


It's easier to drown

by espepspes



Series: I'm 100% projecting on the poor sides help them [1]
Category: Cartoon Therapy (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Human AU, Hurt/Comfort, Logan and Remus are mentioned a couple times, Therapy Session, i'm just projecting, if you think i wrote this all to share the poem at the end you're one hundred percent right, sorta? Like the comfort is attempted. I don't know if it's successful., this is one hundred percent projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:35:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21525319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/espepspes/pseuds/espepspes
Summary: Roman goes to therapy to deal with his issues and hopefully, by the end, he figures something out.
Series: I'm 100% projecting on the poor sides help them [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1569442
Kudos: 26





	It's easier to drown

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a completely accurate version of a therapy session but it should be rather close since it's based on one. I hope you enjoy!  
> TW: Doubts of own self-worth, self-hatred (mildish? I'm not sure if I have an accurate meter on that), swearing, and implied suicide of another person but not explicit. If any of these can trigger you then you shouldn't read for your own safety.

Roman took a quick breath before entering his therapist’s office, sketchbook, and phone in hand. He had been going to sessions with Emile Picani for a while now, and therapy had been… slow going, to say the least.

He had started strong and they talked about some of his outlying issues so far but they hadn’t gotten to the core of those issues yet. And he didn’t know if they would anytime soon. No one had told him that therapy would take so… long to cure him. Or not cure him really but. Help him cope. 

They had talked about his traumas, his toxic relationships with _certain_ family members, how he took care of other’s wants before his own even. They had talked about his roommates, his love of theater, his passion for drawing, how he could sing until the cow came home, just anything that came to his mind. And Emile tried to lead the conversation to more productive topics for therapy at times but he never got Roman to crack open the main issue yet. 

Remy, the receptionist, called him over and told him that his appointment was ready, and he would be seated in the room called Hope, since another therapist took Love that day. Roman smiled at him and then made his way into the room and waited for Picani. 

He entered a few seconds later, a smile on his face and little wave to Roman as he entered. “Hiya Roman, do you how do?”   
  
“Pretty okay doc, we just finished some editing on the newest big video we’ve done, uh everything is up to schedule so that’s good.” Ro plastered a small grin on his face and made himself look more naturally happy.   
  
Emile tutted, “Roman I asked how _you_ were doing not your projects. Your well being is different from your projects doing well.”   
  
He sighed and shifted a little uncomfortably on the couch, “I- I’m doing fine I guess. I’m a little tired, and a little helpless at times but hey, either than that I’m doing great. None of my roommates are hurt and Remus has been better, he hasn’t been trying to hurt himself or anything.” He looked towards the ground and mumbled, “So if everything has been fine, I don’t know why I’m not.”   
  
“Look, Roman, we’ve discussed this before. Just because everything seems to be fine on a surface level, doesn’t mean that everything is alright internally.” He paused and seemed to think for a second, “Think of it like this, in Avatar, on the surface, Aang seems just like some goofy kid right? But underneath, he’s been carrying a lot of guilt that he struggles with until Guru Pathik helps him release that guilt. You’ve been doing something very similar. You’ve been carrying a lot of guilt and other struggles, and you need guidance to let go of it.” 

Roman nodded along to what he was saying, doing his best to pay attention. “So… I should try meditation? To help release some of that guilt?”

“Not exactly.” Emile gave him a small half-smile, “The problem is you can’t meditate on the issue and it’ll just go away because you’re not confronting the issue still. Like a weed, you can’t just cut off the stem and expect it to go away. You have to remove the roots, or if we’re still going with avatar metaphors, you need to clean the gunk from the pools. So the energy in your body can even out instead of all pooling into one area.”

“Okay… So what should I do then doc?” 

Emile, satisfied that he got what he was saying, continued on, “Why don’t we start by how you’re feeling, but this time don’t base it on your family and friends, or any work you’ve been doing. Don’t base it off what you do for others. How are you feeling about _yourself?”_  
  
Roman frowned and sat in silence for a bit, while Emile waited for a response. “I- I don’t actually know.” He blinked and made a confused face. “I have… no idea. Why can’t I figure this out? It not a hard question.” 

“Well, when was the last time you did something for yourself, or even just because it was fun?”

The princely figure barked out a forced laugh, “I have no fucking idea. Recently, everything I’ve done is to make sure Remus doesn’t hurt himself or others or make sure that everyone is okay and happy.” He waved a hand in a spiraling motion as he continued speaking, “It’s been forever I’ve done a project that wasn’t for work or to make someone else happy. And even when I finish those I don’t get much recognition for them anyways. Or- Or any recognition besides the odd comment from someone.”

Dr. Picani handed him some tissues, which Roman took. “Roman, that’s not healthy for you. You deserve to be recognized for your talents and you need to take care of yourself. Spending all of your time on others can be a serious detriment to your mental health.” 

He flung his hands dramatically, “But what else am I good for! I- I’ll do something, _anything_ , to get some praise, some acknowledgment, _something_ , and yet there’s nothing. I draw, and I draw and I draw, and I don’t expect high praise, heck all I expect is maybe a like or two, and a comment from my friends, who mean _everything_ to me, who I would gladly lay down my own life for, and I don’t even get that most of the time. I will do something praiseworthy, I can paint the mother fucking Mona Lisa and I will get nothing in return besides some criticism. And if I’m excited about something? If I have needs?” He gave a pitiful laugh, that sounded more like a sob, “Well they don’t matter either. Nothing I do fucking matters to anyone at this point.”

“Well, I don’t think that at all Roman. You’ve shown me your work, and I believe it’s beautiful, awe-inspiring even. You bring emotions into it, and they’re present and obvious to anyone who pays attention.” Emile smiled at him and handed some more tissues over. “But the thing is, I don’t believe that that is all you’re struggling with. And it’s obvious that’s important too, but Roman, I think there’s even more underneath that.”

“Like what?”

Emile adjusted his glasses and leaned forward. “Well, Roman, why do you care more about what others think than you do?”

A heavy silence only interrupted by intermittent sniffling, settled in after that question as Prince tried to figure out his answer. A few more moments of silence he spoke. “Because their needs are more important right now. Right now, I’m prioritizing them over me because what’s happening with them is blatantly more important. I have to stay at home with Remus because no one else is available and he can _not_ be alone right now. The others have school work, or jobs they have to go to. I’m a freelance artist, actor, and singer. I can take a break from work and not face too many repercussions, while if they miss too much they will be fired or fail their classes. I’m just less of… well, less of a focus.”

“You’re obviously not available, you’re breaking down on my couch from stress and worry. You need to find some way to prioritize you first. And not in the little ways you usually do, by writing poems or drawing. You need to take actual time out of your day and have an honest break. Ask if someone can keep check on Remus for a day, and then go out. Pamper yourself, have a spa day, or maybe just take a nap.”

“But he’s my brother. My responsibility, I can’t fail him like I failed-” He paused mid-sentence and froze. 

Emile looked over him concerned, “Roman you didn’t fail them that day. You did everything you could for them, and the fact that it happened anyway doesn’t mean it was your fault.”

“He wasn’t the only person I failed Emile.” But Roman didn’t elaborate, because then it would be out in the open. And he couldn’t say it out loud. 

“Well then Roman, I don’t think it will be failing your brother if you take a day off. I doubt Remus likes to see you in pain either, so taking a day off might even relieve him a bit. And I’m pretty sure your roommates are friends with him from what you’ve told me, so asking one of them to help or hang out with him for a day would be fine.”

“I can’t ask them, Emile, I can’t let them know I can’t handle it, I can’t let them see that I’m more of a failure than I already am. I can’t make them hate me, I’d have no one else left.” Roman rambled his features marred by red eyes, and blotchy red skin from crying, another sob coming from his throat. “I can’t do that. I’m stuck here and I can’t do anymore or anything about it.”

The therapist made a quiet sigh, “Roman, they won’t think any less of you for being distressed. Your friends are understanding people, I’m sure they won’t call you a failure. Everything will be alright.” 

A ringing interrupted what Roman was going to say next and he looked down at his phone. “It’s Logan, I think he’s here to pick me up.”

Emile looked to the clock and saw they were over time. “Well then, Roman, I want you to try to get some relaxation in alright? If you’re unable to, then we can pick up where we left off next week. Does that seem alright?”

Roman nodded and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “Thank you, Emile. See you next week.”

After Roman got home he pulled out his notes app and started to write and then exited the app and went to bed. 

* * *

_i am underappreciated in my time_

_is often said as a joke_

_and often times i agree._

_on whether it is a joke,_

_or the joke is me,_

_is to be determined._

_i do not own anything,_

_besides what no one else wants._

_what is mine is communal,_

_and to want something is a crime._

_and it bugs me._

_but i have accepted it._

_just like i have accepted the commands._

_just like the insults._

_the critiques._

_and names._

_they seem to hang above me now_

_or maybe not hang above,_

_but fill a box,_

_surrounding my head,_

_and drowning me._

_i used to question._

_why in stories,_

_people would hate themselves,_

_because of other's words,_

_but i understand now._

_words are suffocating._

_and it's easier to drown._

_then to break the thick glass,_

_or break the chains surrounding the box._

_the locks jammed,_

_the keys are tossed away,_

_and why fight it,_

_when you hate yourself anyways?_

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to comment or kudos please do! I will try to respond to any comment made.


End file.
